I know he will keep her safe. How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? You know that speaks volumes in my book. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. I love that so much. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. with this. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. Your day of death. Sparkly Toes, Fingers, and Eyes.. - ROCKSTAR RONAN I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. I look forward to watching what she does in regards to Neuroblastoma. Well, thats the world I live in, Ronan. I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. Kass. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. By making the one dearest to my heart, o.k. Ronan. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. I very rarely know happiness of my own. I could not believe my ears. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. Im tired tonight, Ronan. Sometimes, I miss it. I hope you are safe. I forgot to tell you all that I got a phone call from some lovely peeps that run a T.V. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? When do you leave for New York? Maybe Ill start baking. I will never understand this. I saw your Sparky yesterday. Youre doing too much.. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. I couldnt take it. Ive been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I dont feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. I will never understand why this is acceptable. Especially during the holidays. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. I am not perfect. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppys measurements which look perfect. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. We talk about you a lot. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. Everything in our lives has changed. Follow up plans were made. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. Laughing as you would pick all the flowers around our neighborhood from other peoples yards, thinking you were so naughty for doing so. I cant though. I was laying in bed. Most of our weekends are low key. It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. He always knows best. I will do my best to get through the day. Ronan. But now we have an office! 4 boys but there should have been 6. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. I met a friend this morning for coffee. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. So typical. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. They are a part of my soul now. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I wonder if my never-ending tears are because of how much I miss you, or all of my hormones due to being pregnant or a combination of everything. Pregnancy. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. Almost too good. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I know the power of our love can take the worst thing possible, and help others. I know what I am coming home to. I hope you are safe. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. Alright little man. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. Those are not problems. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. This is all for tonight, little man. Homemade whipped cream. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. Walking in with it was easy. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! Ill check in with you later. Everyone needs to check them out. Im o.k. You know you have my utmost respect, always. I remember with all of you, I read that book, What To Expect, When Youre Expecting. I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower. You always make sure of this. Such a little skeptic he is. We sat and caught up. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I could describe him in a thousand different ways. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. Our conversations area always easy and honest. You are a writer, plain and simple. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. I miss you. Your sweet little face. As I said before, everything with your Poppy sister looks great, but I still sat and told Dr. Schwartz about how I made the ultrasound technician check for any type of mass in Poppys body. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. They just handed me over a key, and voila! I feel calmer and more peaceful than I have in a very long time. Ireland Ronan. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. I promise I wont give up until our RoLove, changes the world. It makes me sad and stings my eyes. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. She is doing amazing things with it. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. It was quiet. Whats going on? I love you. Dear lovely little blog readers. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . He is someone you loved so much. Your day of death. How do I even put into words, who he is? I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. what a beautiful little guy whos touched so many lives! Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. That makes me sad. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Like you are missing and not actually dead. Homemade crust. Get this done. But I am not doing this the nice way. I knew you were having a baby girl. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. How this was such an awful reason to have to run. We shared some fruit and nuts. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. Macy. I hope you are safe. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just dont understand whythe wholeworld isnt in an uproar over this. Gladly. I am a good mother. I dont remember the last time Ive written to you and I dont like that. A lot is wrong with me, actually. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. Please!!!!!!! I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval. So far, so good. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. Then perfect baby Ronan. I dont need to believe in a fucking GOD for this to happen so people need to stop saying that. Its not my choice, its yours. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. There was one person I had not told yet. Fo shizzle. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. You know this is all Ronan. 2 years without you and Im sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. Aye! I would have chased you like the wind today. the ideas would not stop flowing. Thats all for tonight. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. Im sick. I leave soon. Her little face is all filled out. . Twenty freaking one. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. #cryingallday. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. The sweet lady told me it was. The Kardashians?! Last night, when I was roaming around our house, I looked outside. Im not a scientist. Thank you for all the Roideas today. Im full fledged in the middle of writing this book. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. He told me to please go and get it done. I told your brothers. I am excited too. I am truly thankful for all of you. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. Whats wrong? WTF. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. Ill just stick with pie for now. I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here. I will never stop apologizing for this. I was like a wild animal out of control. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it.
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